Not long ago, a pleasant gentleman gingerly stepped into my place of business. He announced his presence at the front desk, and then promptly requested assistance removing the bottle he’d accidentally stuffed up his own ass.
Yep, you read that correctly. This avid environmentalist chugged a beer and then recycled the empty into his holiest-of-holy-holes. He even went for the gusto on this one, as he planted it fat end first. Yowza.
Feel free to take a moment to adjust uncomfortably in your seat while you ponder that image, forever seared into your skull. That’s awesome.
You’ll forgive me if I’ve been a bit distracted. If you walked around every day with that memory, and a thousand others like it, you might have some initial challenges in refocusing, too.
Fuck it, though. Life is good. Life is fucking absurd, but it’s good.
Can you imagine the expression on the dude’s face, a millisecond after he realized he’d lost the bottle up his colon? The thought, “Ohhhhh, dude….this is tragically bad right now.”
How would I explain that to Mary, exactly?
Mary: “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice this hospital bill for emergency rectal surgery. Something you need to share?”
Roy: “Not enough roughage in my diet, apparently.”
Mary: “Wait…this note says you had a bottle jammed up your ass…WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?”
Roy: “I love you, baby. We’ll get through this.”
I’ll be hollering back soon.
It’s time to rip shit up.
When I was in nursing school and in the OR for the day, they had on the schedule “removal of an aresol top” didn’t get to watch that one! Could have been educational
I was sitting here, pondering what type of aerosol you’d have near your rectum in the first place. Lysol is the obvious pick, since some people just need a bit of an aromatic boost in their nether regions. I was always fond of freshening up with a little “Zesty Spring Lemon Scent” before a hot date, because chicks dig the Zestiness. Still, I guess there are probably some fellas out there that think, “You know, I feel like jamming a fist up my corn hole tonight. I’m fresh out of lube. I know….I’ve got some of that Wal-Mart brand Spray-on-Butter Flavoring I used in my skillet before I cook up some bacon. I fucking love bacon. I bet that spray will treat me right.” My regrets on that gaping hole in your education, Nancy. You missed out.
Man, I bet that guy’s drive to ER was THE slowest, most careful time he’ll ever spend behind the wheel. Mind you, the fact that he attempted it fat end first implies a certain ‘glass-half-full’ kind of optimism that seems to point to him being pretty relaxed about mishaps like this. Although obviously not relaxed enough!
And welcome back sir – your return to blogging may not be the second coming of Jesus H. Christ, but it’s close…..
Good hearing from you, Kev…I have to ask, though: wouldn’t his optimism be more appropriately called “ass-half-full?” Just a thought.
The fact that he went fat-end first is pretty impressive. I can’t imagine the degree of difficulty involved—if this was the Rectal Olympics, you have to figure nailing a perfect entry with the fat end of a bottle would get you “10s” all the way across the board. Driving to the ER afterward….say what you will about his idiosyncracies, but that’s one determined cat right there. Any dude who can lose a bottle in his ass and then hop in the car for a lengthy winter drive shouldn’t be trifled with.
I mirror the appreciation of my english friend. Within seconds of opening this much awaited, long anticipated post, I was cracking up. I’ve missed you man. Your take on absurd is sublime. : )
And another country heard from…what’s up, my favorite sheila? Always great hearing from you, thanks for the kindness–thanks even more for the spontaneous belly laugh I just had, as I looked at your screen name and imagined for just a sec that it said “Down Sammi’s Undies.” I’ll give you and everyone else fair warning…I can’t even explain how twisted I’ve become. I kind of feel like I dance on the edge of insanity, and I’m curious as to what that’ll look like in writing as the months go by. Oh, hell yeah.
Oh boy. I. I. I justttttt don’t understand how that is even physically possible. To get the fat end up there and then to have it go up that farrrrr that it could not be retrieved or, like, automatically rejected according to the laws of….physics? Would it be the laws of PHYSICS?? I’m too emotionally scarred to scroll back up to double check but did you say BEER bottle? Because I don’t think they bottle beer into those little airline size vodka bottles. But in the interest of trying to wrap my mind around the mental image I will HAVE to change the bottle to that size. I know I’m over-analytical and all but WHY fat end first? It’s all just so unnatural. I mean was he like, thinking ahead and figuring that the retrieval process would be easier if he could like, pop his finger in the opening and….PULL it out?
I’m feeling your pain. And his pain…
I love that with this scenario, the idea of having an airline sized bottle stuffed up your ass seems entirely reasonable by comparison. I’d be willing to bet money that at least one person reading this has tossed an airline bottle or two up their balloon knot to get their Saturday-night-freak-on. I mean, at least one person besides me.
hehe
Yeah, I’ll be periodically shifting uncomfortably in my seat while my seared skull is on the mend, but boy is it good to read you Roy!
Thanks, Ann–glad to be the genteel voice of high society in your day…
I guess the real question is, after going through all that work to get it in there, why take it out? Seems like a waste of effort.
Buttchuggin rocks.
That’s an excellent point. You’ve just performed an anatomical miracle: don’t you want to show it off for a little while? I can see getting a whole series of x-rays from different angles, and sending them out to my family and friends as holiday cards. My colon, nestled gently against the bottle, under the caption, “Happy Holidays, from Santa’s little helper:)”
I would love it if this was a buttchuggin incident gone bad. Like, dude was hammered, decided to butt chug a beer, but was so twisted that he accidentally inserted it the wrong way? Please let that be what happened.
PLEASE PLACE ALL EMPTY BOTTLES IN RECEPTACLE LOCATED IN THE REAR Maybe he misunderstood the sign. I like socialassassin’s “glass-half-full kind of optimism” Nice one Roy!!!!!
Well done, Tom, well done. Many thanks!
OR……I guess maybe this guy missed the lesson on not taking things literally. “Take that bottle and stick it up your ass.” I wonder what he’d do with, “Go to hell” ….or even “Go F___ yourself” could be interesting.
I don’t believe for a second that this guy got it lodged up there by accident. Who here has ever lodged anything in their ass by accident? No one. This dude was either a) strangely curious, or b) practicing.
Either way, I think it may be your duty to direct him to safer things to jam into his body. Try a buttplug on amazon.com. Or etsy, if you want to support the arts.
“And don’t forget, sir… always lube up FIRST”.
I’ll be damned. Just for the fuck of it, I just checked out Amazon and Etsy to discover that both, in fact, do sell butt plugs. This one I found on Etsy is particularly excellent–to all my friends out there, I have eight words for you: “Guppy Butt Plug: Your birthday present from Roy.”
Roy, that butt plug looks like a shit crossbreed with a hammerhead shark. Best birthday present ever!!
I too have missed you.
Hey, thanks Bex! Your observation of what the butt plug resembles is astute. Strangely so, actually. Do you own this butt plug, Bex? Do you?
That pitcure above looks like SocialAssassin’s former pet duck-billed platypus.
And if anyone has a penchant for ass/arse more than me, then it is that man.
Bah, who am I kidding? I’ve kicked in more back doors than the LAPD.
Great to have you back, man..
How very dare you!! A man’s love for his platypus is a deeply private and emotional subject, not for public ridicule and slander Mr Ruth!!! You’re just jealous because she turned down that threesome.
Your LAPD analogy was pretty good though… since just like them you normally proceed from an unexpected forced entry to an unwarranted beating of an innocent victim.
Assassin, I’m concerned about your platypus plug, mainly because I know you’re a chef in a restaurant. Please tell me you use a good hand sanitizer before you start your work day.
Several things, J to the R:
—”I’ve kicked in more back doors than the LAPD.” I’ve been laughing at that comment for the past week. Most excellent.
—Thanks for the welcome. More coming by the end of the day. Writing, that it. More writing. Not more back doors.
Roy my compadre, may I take this opportunity to assure you that the highest standards of hygeine are always of paramount importance to me, and my use of sanitisers is both regular and stringent.
(White wine vinegar is a sanitiser, right???? RIGHT????? Whoops…..)
I think you’re safe on that, K Crew. If it works in douche products, than surely it’s as effective a sanitiser as it comes.
I don’t think that he started with the bottle, I think he worked his way up to it and just got too greedy. He probably reasoned that having effortlessly inserted and removed an awl, a marker, a rubber handled kitchen utensil, the neck of the glass bottle from his rectum, that he couldn’t be stopped. It’s like those people that drive a car successfully after drinking one beer, so they must be able to handle drinking 2 beers and eventually they feel like they merely drank a case of beer so I can hit the Circle K up the street without any trouble. Poor bastard just didn’t know when to say when.
I always like to picture the guys face at the moment he realizes that the situation has unravelled to the point where he needs help from a second party or a professional. Nice to read your voice again, Roy.
Justin, thanks for the welcome. I am curious, though: you seem to have a pretty detailed vision of how this guy progressed up to a bottle—anything you care to share?
I’m just hypothesizing here, my friend. This guy was… he must have been totally mortified. I will… this guy will never try this again… with a bottle. Way too ambitious.
“Way too ambitious.” And with that, you have just laid down the challenge for at least one future reader, who’ll think, “I’ll show you ambitious. Fetch me a magnum of Dom Perignon, biatch!”
You’re back!!! with butt plugs to share no less and a good LAPD analogy. geddit geddit? anal.o.gy. I crack myself up on your site!
I pride myself on bringing out the best in people.
Nice topic for re-entry. Glad to have you back. Be seeing you soon
Much obliged, looking forward to catching up soon. By the way, I like your choice of the term “re-entry” for this particular post. Well done.